Life is a map of the inevitable ends. Sometimes we found ourselves witnessing how our personal universe is falling apart. This awareness of losing someone who means world to you is speechless. Awareness that there is nothing you can do to make things right again, to gain love back or to collect broken peaces of someone’s trust in you. You can feel coldness in touch, you can see distance in eyes, but you cannot go backwards. The footstep marks are lost in the snow which appear without announcement.
We never meant to feel like that, but we do. Sitting across each other at the dinning table, sharing silence like in Prevert’s “Breakfast”, feeling hopeless, wounded and lost. Staring at the distance or at each other with eyes full of tears we saved for later, with the look of hunted animal, still expecting for the other one to save “us” in plural. We are not ready to give up, but we simply do not know how to fix it. So we wait, because every word just makes the situation even more difficult.
It feels like we are standing on the street while our house is burning.We want to scream but me cannot make a voice. We are afraid, hurt and simply not ready. We have a room full of love, what shall we do with it afterwards?
So we talk about that for days or months with everyone except with that person. We heal ourselves while having long contemplation followed by drinking sessions. We feel anger about person whom was visitor of our life, but whom refused to stay. We start to recall and underline all beautiful moments we share, or we use all bad memories to make worst-case scenarios of mutual future just for us to feel better, just to survive this very moment.
So, we look terrible, feeling even worst than that and we keep on drinking and talking. In the middle of emotional breakdown our friends are feeling sorry for us, but they remain being supportive. We eat more, we practice more, we do everything we did not do while we were with that person, or we increase the intensity of doing things we did together, and all of that has only one purpose: to heal our broken expectations.
Then we start to deny we ever loved that person. Claiming we were strangers from the beginning. Asking ourselves in present of our silent friends, what we were thinking when we thought this person was our soulmate/love of our life?
Eventually, our friends get tired of us and start to avoid to continue with this kid of conversations, and we painfully understand why. In that moment we truly feel pathetic about ourselves and we decide that we have to let it go. Then we face reality, we notice that it is was not the doomsday and that everything is part of big force of movement, so we find our lost will for living and we proceed with our broken lives.
After the healing process is done, we start to understand everything we did not eventually. We understand that life is full of inevitable ends and that we should always allowed ourselves to feel hurt, to feel sorrow, failure or betrayal. We understand that we should allow ourselves to have a breakdowns caused by lost love, as well as to give ourselves a chance to love again.
But above all, we understand that we shall never, but never allow ourselves not to feel.