Life starts in the 30’s, according to one Serbian band I used to listen in my early 20’s. I loved that track back then, but now I feel like I understand it. Nowadays, when the right time for everything is now, I often feel like I am stuck between my longings and my possibilities. Lately I became aware of my often anxiety attacks, produced by the hopelessness of my reality and increased by my stubbornness to not be ready to give up on my childish dreams. I dream big, but I am trapped at home. I am born and I live in Bosnia.
Anyone can share with you their personal, sad experience of being Bosnian, regardless of the fact how and where they live at the moment. We can be divided in two major groups: melancholics and lovers. The only difference among them is based on the direction our passion strives to. Either we are passionate about physical matters exclusively, or we carry metaphysical sadness of the universe on our back constantly. Some of us could easily replace Sisyphus in the myth.
I belong to the melancholics. I deeply trust I also belong to one of the lost generations. This phenomenon is happening all over the globe and repeats through time; children are growing up out of their time and locked in one place. Being isolated and surrounded by a traumatized landscape, they start to dream collective dreams. The influences are censured and not necessary by a totalitarian regime, but rather as a consequence of isolation. Aesthetics, life styles and ideals are usually transmitted from one generation to another. Being limited and humdrum in terms of education, progress and development often produce intimacy among people. Even those who are apparently different or not typical in situation like this are alike.
This was my starting point to develop obsession with windows, doors and balconies. I wanted to see beyond my reality. Naturally I started to be fascinated with parallel universes, with the idea of traveling through time and space. I managed to preserve the imagination of a child which kept me very busy all this time. At the end, my fantasies saved my mind.
I kept on waiting for an exit sign.My life will reset and update in one week when I turn 30. We can reincarnate if we are ready to trust in new beginnings, our capacities and abandoned dreams. I am still waiting to leave Bosnia and I trust this moment will arrive soon, but in the meantime, I keep hiding in my mind, trying not to go insane and become ordinary.