Stay (in love)

Last time when someone made me feel like this, I end up being married. That is the reason I freaked out the day he was leaving. I was not sure do I want him to go as soon as possible leaving all vague expressions and unsaid words between us, or simply to stay in my living room. On the day of his departure, my behavior was strange. I was completely lost and not capable to focus on conversation. He was nervous too. Every time he travels he acts nervously, he said. I decided to believe him.
Why I was not able to handle a ‘goodbye’ that day when I knew there is no other option for us? My life is hectic at the moment and I have to put things straight for myself and for my daughter. I need to rebuild our life somewhere else and it is heavy enough, almost impossible, but yet, I wanted him to stay. How can you invite someone into nothing? To stay somewhere where I do not want to spend a day longer; somewhere from where I am desperately trying to escape for a long time. To stay anywhere with me.
I surprised myself understanding that I am still able to fall in love very irrationally and to make some life changing decisions very spontaneously based on intuition only.
The thing is, I do not date. I have to be inspired by people and in my case the relationship can only happen on it’s own terms. There is no reason to seek for love, love finds us. Usually in those moments when we cannot afford it, but if we are emotionally intelligent and brave enough, we will follow it. We will find a way.
I believe lovers are strangers. So, asking a man to stay after 7 days of intimacy is extreme, irrational and mental, but it is also being faithful to yourself, because after all, you do not need more time to understand that you feel all those mixed emotions, which make you confused, make you smile and nevertheless make you want to cry all the time, without understanding why should you cry for.
I fell in love with a man I know nothing about. I missed a chance to say ‘stay’, being afraid and not ready in the same time, but the truth is there is no such a thing as being ready to fall in love. When it happens, you are either in or out, depends on your character and braveness.
I already rushed into a marriage once, which turned up to be very difficult, so I tried to be more clever this time. But am I? Are we in a position to refuse love once when we feel it? I had a long period of not feeling anything and I assure you that no matter how your life is complex at the moment, falling in love will not do any damage. After all, as I always say, love will save a day.
So, I admit I was a coward and I did not say ‘stay’ in the right moment, but I am also brave enough to ask him, knowing he will read this lines, ‘will you, please, come back’?

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